


Just Let Me Drown

by Sunshinehina



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Tony Stark, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2019-12-31 22:36:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18323345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunshinehina/pseuds/Sunshinehina
Summary: "Stark men are made of Iron," he heard Howard’s voice as if he was beside him, sneering at him, as if saying ‘I told you so’."We do not need Soulmates to feel complete."





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoy the MCU but I started reading fanfics only recently and I just love Stuckony. A lot.  
> Warning, this is my very first Marvel fanfic, and I didn't really rewatch anything before writing this, so there might be some (if not a lot) of inaccuracy. I do try my best, though, so please be kind. x'D  
> English is not my first language, I do try my best to use the right grammar and words, but just in case you find it strange or like, wrong, that's the reason why lol  
> Comments and Kudos are always appreciated! They make me want to write (and update) more so please leave kudos or comments if you enjoyed this~ Happy reading!

Contrary to popular belief, Tony Stark was not a proud man. It was quite the opposite, actually. He wasn’t proud of anything he had achieved. He hated everything about himself, but that’s so pathetic, so he hid. He hid behind arrogance and humor, he hid behind nicknames and science, he hid behind fame and money. Tony Stark has been hiding his whole life, and he wasn’t planning to stop anytime soon.

 

Tony had a huge heart, and he felt more than he’d like to. He didn’t like that about himself, how much he cared, how emotional he was.

 

It’s really hard to love yourself when even the people who should have loved you didn’t.

 

He loved his parents. Fuck, they could do anything to him and he’d still love them with all his heart. Which was pathetic, because they never loved him.

 

He was not stupid so he could conclude something as simple as that.

 

Tony hated how much his parents’ feelings towards him influenced him. If they were still alive today, Tony was sure he’d still hope for them to love him, maybe someday in the future. Maybe when Tony created something so magnificent and amazing, something no one has ever thought of, when he achieved something that was impossible. Maybe then they’d love him, maybe then he’d be enough.

 

Unfortunately, or fortunately, they’re dead.

 

And Tony was all alone.

 

Not that it was anything new, he’d been alone his whole life. Even when they were alive. Well, there was Jarvis, but he died, too. Tony has been alone for the most part of his life. Sure, there was Rhodey. His time in MIT was one of the most less-lonely time in his life because Rhodey was always there with him.

 

Pepper came, and Pepper left. Tony wasn’t sure why he was so naive, how could he think that she would stay?

 

But it was fine, Tony was fine with it. He loved Pepper, and she was still one of the most important people in his life. He’d still die for her. A little part of him was glad that she left. Maybe now she’ll finally get the happiness she deserved.

 

The Avengers happened, and new people barged into Tony’s life. Natasha, Bruce, Clint, Thor, and Steve.

 

And Steve.

  
Tony wasn’t even surprised when he first met the man and he hated his guts.

 

A lot of people did.

 

It was fine, it was what Tony wanted. It was proof that his walls were still intact, it was proof that he was still able to hide.

* * *

 

Tony was five when he was first introduced to the concept of Soulmates. He was thrilled. He was just a kid, so he didn’t have his walls up. Heck, he didn’t know that he needed to have his walls up. Yet.

 

The idea of someone else made just for you was wonderful. Tony thought that he didn’t have to live his life alone. Now he just wanted to shake his young self and make him see that he was destined to be alone and that it didn’t change anything.

 

Howard hated the concept of Soulmate, so did Maria—but Tony didn’t really know that for sure. But he _knew_  that Howard hated it.

 

He was 10 when he knew that they weren’t Soulmates.

 

Everyone was born with an identical tattoo. A compass-shaped tattoo. And yes, you guessed it right, the compass showed you where your Soulmate was. Most people had one Soulmate, some had more than one, even though it was rare. Tony had more than one, he had two, so he had two arrows, two needles, whichever you prefer. One of them was blue, the other one was black. The colors were a mystery, no one has ever cracked what the color meant yet.

 

“Stark men are made of Iron,” Howard told him. “We do not need _Soulmates_ ,” he spat the word. “To feel complete.”

 

Tony didn’t talk to his dad much, because he was always busy, and he was always annoyed at him. He, however, remembered Howard telling him the same thing over and over again. Tony liked his Soulmark, he used to spend a lot of time staring at it. Whenever Howard saw him doing that, he’d say the same thing.

 

Something was weird about his Soulmark. One of his arrows was never moving, it would only move if Tony was moving, always pointing out to the same place. Tony wondered if it was broken because there was no way someone never moved for years. He then wondered if his Soulmate was dead, but then if they were, the arrow would disappear. His other arrow stayed still most of the time, but it moved around sometime, so Tony was sure one of his Soulmate was alive and well and... normal.

 

Tony grew to hate his soulmark. After that, he stopped looking at it. Most of the time he’d avoid looking at it, always using long-sleeved clothes wherever he went.

 

He loved his parents, and if _not_ liking his Soulmark increased the possibility of them loving— _liking_ him, then he’d do it.

 

That didn’t happen, though.

 

His parents died, but he had Jarvis. And then Jarvis died, and he was alone. Tony still spent his time wondering what was wrong with him. Why no one seemed to be able to like him... except Jarvis, but he didn’t count. Because Jarvis was Jarvis.

 

 _What is and always will be my greatest creation is you_ , Howard said, and Tony wanted to laugh, but he also wanted to cry. Because that was something Tony has always wanted to hear, it was a way of saying _I’m proud of you_ , wasn’t it? It was the words Tony has always wanted to hear, he would have given anything to hear that, and now he’s hearing it.

 

But then, that was what he ever was. A creation, one of his father’s achievement, something in the long list of Howard Stark’s achievement.

 

 _Of course,_ Tony thought. That was why he never loved him. To Howard, he was some _thing_ , not someone.

 

Tony ended up hating everything about himself.

 

He hated the fact that he was smart, because he was never smart enough. He hated the fact that he was rich, because it didn’t feel like something he had accomplished, it felt like Howard spoon-fed him that, which made him feel incompetent. He hated how he looks. He hated how he acts. He hated the sound of his voice. The list was endless.

 

After years of struggling to find out what was wrong with him, he struggled to find out what was _right_ with him to begin with.

 

After years of struggling to find out why no one ever loved him, he now struggled to find something to love about himself.

 

Pathetic.

 

That was the word that accompanied Tony all his life. 

* * *

 

 

It was three months after the Avengers had moved in that Tony figured his life was fucked up. Scratch that, he meant _even more_ fucked up than before. He was building in his lab, and Steve came in. He started doing that a few weeks earlier, he’d just come in and watch Tony build, sometimes engaging him in small talks, or just played with the bots. Tony didn’t mind, so he let him. He was secretly relieved that Steve didn’t seem to hate him as much as the first time they met.

 

The air conditioner needed a little bit of repairing that day, which was why it was a little bit hot. Tony rolled his sleeve in an attempt to decrease the amount of sweat his fucking body was producing. He froze when he saw his Soulmark.

 

The blue arrow was moving around. The blue arrow never moved, it only moved when Tony was moving, always pointing out to the same spot. Tony blinked and looked up to Steve.

 

He was following DUM-E around, chuckling at the bot’s antiques. Tony’s eyes darted back to the blue arrow.

 

It was pointing at Steve, following him wherever he went.

 

Tony just stood there, dumbfounded. The universe was definitely playing a joke with him. His whole life was a joke. Sure, Tony has come to dislike the idea of Soulmate, but deep down inside he was always curious. About who his Soulmates were. Will they like him? Will they be able to achieve the impossible, which was to love him?

 

_Big man in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you?_

_I know guys with none of that worth ten of you._

“—ny. Tony?” Steve’s voice snapped him back to reality. Tony pushed his sleeves back in place hastily.

 

“What is it, Cap?”

 

Steve frowned. “Everything alright?” he asked. “You were zoning out.”

 

Tony rolled his eyes. “Was thinking about the new design for my suit. Did you say something?”

 

“I was wondering if you’d like to grab some lunch,” Steve said uncertainly.

 

Tony felt a lump in his throat. “No can do. Have a lot to do today. Maybe next time,” He winked and focused back on what he was building.

 

“Oh, right, okay,” He heard Steve said, but he didn’t look up. “I’ll, uh, ask the others, then.”

 

Tony hummed, pretending that he was too immersed in what he was doing. Truth was, he was having a hard time focusing. His mind was whirling, and he was panicking. A little. Tony’s head snapped up when he heard the doors closing.

 

Steve left.

* * *

 

 

Deciding that he wasn’t—and probably will never be—ready to see the disgust on Captain America’s face when he told him that he was his Soulmate, Tony decided to keep it to himself. He knew that Steve’s compass had stopped working when he got the serum, everyone knew that because that much was documented. The arrows turned grey and just stopped moving. No one knew why, though. Maybe the universe were punishing him for, well, cheating. Defying the laws of nature. Or maybe the serum was flawed, Tony has no idea. Good thing Steve Rogers already found one of his Soulmates, Bucky.

 

Tony didn’t have to be a genius to conclude that Bucky must’ve been his other Soulmate as well. It was the answer to a lot of his questions, his 8-year-old self would be thrilled.

 

_Stark men are made of Iron._

 

Tony could still hear Howard’s voice clearly. It was as if he was there with him, in the same room.

 

_We do not need Soulmates to feel complete._

So Tony smiled and joked with Steve, but he never brought up anything about Soulmates. They got along well after the battle of New York. When Tony finally knew that Bucky was alive, he felt something breaking inside of him. He was glad that he was alive, but now he knew the end of his story. He knew that he will keep his Soulmark a secret for the rest of his life and watch Steve and Bucky being the happiest couple in the town.

 

Still, he and Steve got along. 

 

That was until the Sokovia Accord was mentioned. Bucky escaped. Disagreement, disagreement. Tony tried his best to explain to Steve  _why_ they should sign it, he tried to listen to why he didn’t think it was a good idea, but it ended up in a fight. Not bloodshed, but still a fight. Steve managed to escape, but the rest of his team was caught. Tony realized that he might’ve been wrong, so he went after Steve—to help him do whatever he was doing—only to find out that Bucky killed his parents in cold blood, and Steve has been hiding the fact from him all along.

 

Tony loved his parents, and his supposedly-Soulmate was defending his another supposedly-Soulmate who killed his parents without considering how he would feel, _dismissing_ how he was feeling and just focusing on the fact that _it wasn't Bucky's fault_. Tony knew that logically, it wasn't.

 

But it was too much, he just found out that his parents were killed, and he also found out that Steve, his friend, knew it. But he never told him. And at that moment he just cared about _Bucky_.

 

Tony was sure he heard the universe laughed at him that day.

 

Of course he lashed out. He attacked Bucky, and Steve and Bucky fought back.

 

Which ended up in Steve running his shield into his arc reactor, destroying him and rendering his suit useless. Tony knew that he didn’t need the arc reactor to stay alive, not anymore, but he somehow forgot it at that moment and he was terrified. His Soulmates—Steve and Bucky were going to kill him.

 

“He’s my Soulmate, Tony,” Steve said before he left.

 

If Tony wasn’t frozen in shock, trying to calm himself by telling him that he didn’t _need_ the arc reactor to survive, he would have cried right then and there.

 

 _Stark men are made of Iron,_ he heard Howard’s voice as if he was beside him, sneering at him, as if saying ‘ _I told you so’_.

 

_We do not need Soulmates to feel complete._


	2. Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Let me sleep, I'm tired of my grief_   
>  _I would like you to love me, to love me, to love me_

Despite what happened, Tony tried to fix everything. That was what he was good at, fixing and building. It hurt him, the way Steve so blatantly chose Barnes over him.

 

Tony stopped in his tracks. What was he thinking? There wasn’t something to choose from to begin with. Tony was... Tony and Barnes was Barnes; all charming, good-looking, hot, also-a-super-soldier best friend Steve grew up with. _Of course_ Steve was going to choose Barnes. Plus, he was his Soulmate. Which Tony was too, but—he didn’t know that. Not that Tony thought it would change anything if he knew.

 

Tony did everything. Fixed the Accord to Ste—Rogers’ liking. Fought so their crimes were pardoned. And then, he opened his Tower, again, for the Avengers.

 

He spotted Rhodey throwing him sad looks, but he pretended not to see them.

 

He was fine with it. Tony was always fine.

 

Tony won the lawsuit and their crimes were pardoned. They could come home, and they came back, which was relieving. It would have hurt him more if he opened his home for them and they rejected it. They apologized to him and thanked him for doing what he did. He waved them off as if it wasn’t a big deal, hid behind his arrogance and humor and finally, hid in his lab. Barnes stayed in Wakanda, frozen until someone can figure how to fix him.

 

Steve came to apologize again, this time about what happened in Siberia. Tony told him that it was fine, and he apologized to him for attacking him and Barnes. He apologized to him for blaming Barnes—because the man wasn’t there, he’ll apologize to him when he meets him. Because of course Tony was the villain in this fucked up situation. You’re definitely a villain if you’re against _the_ Captain America.

 

He tossed the shield to Rogers after he was done apologizing, and then waved him off, telling him he had a conference to attend... which was definitely not a lie.

 

That was that.

 

For a little more than two weeks, Tony lived in his lab. He only went up when everyone else was asleep. He restricted everyone’s access to his lab. His only contact—if they could be counted—was his video calls with Rhodey. And Pepper.

 

_Pathetic._

 

Years after his parents died, the word still followed him like a shadow.

* * *

 

 

Tony felt tired all the time. He barely slept. He barely ate. He only did the bare minimum to make sure he could function. He had a lot to make up, after all. He had to make new gears and update everyone’s already existing gears.

 

Tony felt like he was living in limbo. Staying alive tired him, staying awake tired him. Sleeping—whenever he was able to get it, no matter how brief it was because nightmares were always close behind—was also tiring. You know you’re fucked up when the thing everyone does to feel refreshed only tires you.

 

Tony forgot what day it was but it was raining hard. He was in his room, in the penthouse, somehow feeling too tired to get up and go to his lab. He felt too tired to do anything, so he stayed on his bed, safe and warm inside his blanket. His room was dark, which he didn’t mind, but somehow that day it felt a little bit darker. He felt so alone and... lost. Tony felt _lost_.

 

It was like his mind just went blank; he didn’t know what he wanted, he didn’t know why his heart was aching, he didn’t know what to do, he just—he just didn’t know.

 

And then it clicked.

 

Tony spent his whole life hiding, and now, finally, he lost himself.

 

 

 

 

It was bound to happen.

 

Tony stumbled out of his bed, he felt himself starting to panic. He felt his heart pounding as he walked towards the living room where he had left his phone on the couch. He fumbled with it and dialed Pepper’s number.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said before Pepper was able to say anything. “I can’t do this,” He choked.

 

“Tony?” Pepper sounded concerned, bless her. “What’s going on? Are you alright? Do you want me to—“

 

“I need a break,” Tony managed. “A month. Two weeks. A week. Anything you can give me,” He said.

 

Pepper was silent for a few seconds. “Tony, of course you can take a break. You’ve been working too much, with the SI and everything going on with the Avengers, the Accord, the lawsuit—yes, you can—you _should_ take a break,” she said. “Take as much time as you can, okay? I can handle the SI.”

 

Tony wanted to cry. Tony _was_ crying. He wasn’t making any noise, though, because the last thing he’d need was for his ex to pity him even more.

 

“Tony?”

 

Tony took a deep breath. “Okay,” he whispered. “Thanks, Pep.”

 

“Anytime, Tony,” she said. “Are you okay? Do you want me to come?”

 

“No, no, I’m fine,” Tony said. “Just really need a break, is all. I’ll be going somewhere, but I’ll check my email every day so just email me if there’s anything, okay?”

 

“I got this, Tony,” she said. “I can give you _at least_ a week of completely undisturbed break.”

 

God, Tony loved her. Loves her.

 

Not in the way he wanted, though.

 

“Thanks,” he said. “Take care, Pep.”

 

“You too, Tony.”

* * *

 

Tony found himself in Norway. He flew to Bergen in his private jet, instructing Friday not to tell anyone. Anyone but Rhodey, because even when Tony lost himself, he still had Rhodey—he was the only one he had left.

 

He wasn’t sure why he chose Norway, he just felt like it. It was cold, which he expected, but then he remembered that it was February. Of course it was cold.

 

He ignored the fact that it reminded him of Siberia.

 

It was already nighttime when he arrived. He rented a car and drove from the airport to the house he had rented for the rest of the year because he didn’t know how long he was saying and he liked how the house looked. He had to pay extra, too, because apparently the house was already booked for later in the year, around June to August and in December, but Tony didn’t mind. Money was never a problem.

 

Tony drove for 20 minutes to the house he rented. When he arrived, he parked the car and took his luggage out. A woman with a warm smile was standing on the porch.

 

"Mr. Stark," she said as she started shook his hand. "I hope your flight was alright."

 

"It was fine, thank you," Tony said.

 

She showed him around. It was a nice house, the design was very minimalistic. It has a lot of amenities and was quite big, but it was still a lot less than Tony was used to. He didn't care, though, there were more rooms than he needed.

 

There were always more rooms than he needed.

 

"The pantry is stocked," the woman--Trine Belgum said. "If you'd like, someone will continue to restock it every single week," She offered the service.

 

"Yes, please," Tony said.

 

Trine nodded. "I have prepared the contact list of services that are available," she said, handing a small notebook to him. "I hope it helps. Please contact me if you have any questions."

 

"Thank you, Mrs. Belgum," Tony said. "I understand that you won't be telling anyone that I am the one who's renting the place?"

 

"Of course, Mr. Stark!" She looked surprised.

 

"Thank you," Tony said.

 

She nodded, and with a smile she excused herself. In that instant, the house felt a little too big.

 

Once again, Tony was alone.

 

Not even bothering to unpack or change, Tony went to the living room and sat on the couch which was located in the corner. There were some pillows and neatly folded blankets. He took the one of the blanket and wrapped itself around him, feeling a little bit better when he realized that it was freshly laundered. The walls surrounding the couch were made of glass, which enabled him to see the scenery surrounding the house. Tony scooted to the end of the couch, took his shoes off and turned his back so that he was leaning at the arm rather than the backrest.

 

And he simply existed.

* * *

 

He spent the next few hours just sitting there. Breathing. Trying not to think. Staring at the darkness outside. He could see some lights from the other houses, but it was quite far. The house he rented was kind of secluded, and he liked it. It felt like a breath of fresh air compared to New York.

 

He liked it here. It was—it felt gloomy. The whole place, the _country_ felt gloomy somehow, and he liked it because he fit in. It felt like his surrounding was acknowledging how he was feeling.

 

He was alone and the only noise heard was the sound of his breath.

 

Around 3 in the morning, he felt his phone vibrating. He took it out of his pocket and let out a breath of relief when he read Rhodey's name.

 

"You okay?" Rhodey asked.

 

Tony's usual response would be to joke or to make fun of Rhodey.

 

But he was just so, _so_ tired; he didn't have the energy to.

 

"I'm fine," he said simply. "Need a break."

 

"Pepper told me," Rhodey said. And then they were silent. "Do you want me there?"

 

 _Yes. Please. I hate being alone_.

 

"No," Tony said. "I need some time... alone."

 

"You sure?" Rhodey asked.

 

"Yes," Tony breathed. At that moment, he really wanted to make a joke, but he couldn't find the words.

 

"Okay, Tones," Rhodey said. "You can call me anytime, you know that yeah?"

 

"Yeah," Tony said. "Thanks."

 

"I gotta go," Rhodey said. "Please take care of yourself, Tony. Take a _real_ break. Sleep a lot. Eat. Visit places. Relax," He said.

 

"Okay."

 

"I'll call again," Rhodey said. "Shit, I really gotta go," he must've covered the phone to say something to someone because his voice was muffled. "Bye, Tones," He said hurriedly, ending the call abruptly.

 

"Okay," Tony whispered to no one.

* * *

 

There was a time when he thought he was okay. Or at least, the time when he felt like he was the closest to okay. To alright. To _fine_.

It was a few months after the Avengers was formed, a few months after they started living with him. Pepper was still his girlfriend. He had Rhodey. He had people living with him in the tower—his team. The team that maybe, just a little bit, felt like family.

 

They were a band of misfits, after all. It was easier with each other.

 

He’d joke with Clint, discuss interesting things with Bruce, make fun of Thor, talk to Natasha. Steve would come and hang around his lab. They would joke, they would laugh, they would argue, and they would talk. Tony had found out about Steve being his Soulmate already, but it was fine. It didn't hurt as much yet because they didn't know that Bucky was alive and Siberia haven't happened.

 

Yet.

 

"Let me see," Tony said one day without looking up from what he was doing, startling Steve.

 

"See what?"

 

Tony finally looked up. "You've been sketching me."

 

Steve flushed. "Oh, um, yeah," he said. "I'm just practicing, and you look—I mean, you're there, so I thought why not," he said.

 

Tony raised his eyebrows.

 

Steve sighed and stood up. "It's not that great."

 

Tony rolled his eyes. "I just want to see," he said, taking the sketchpad Steve was holding out to him. "Besides, it's not like I'm an art critic or something--"

 

He stopped when he saw Steve's sketch.

 

"This is me?" He asked quietly.

 

Steve frowned. "Of course it's you, Tony."

 

It didn't look like him. He looked, well, beautiful. He never--he didn't--he was _not_ beautiful.

 

 _'It doesn't look like me,'_ Tony thought, but he didn't say that out loud because he knew that it's not something pleasant to say to someone who had just stared at you for the past hour to sketch you.

 

"I don't know much about art, Cap, but your sketch is beautiful," he said instead, handing back the sketchbook.

 

Steve's face lit up and Tony disliked how that made his heart full.

 

"Thanks," he said. "Would you... do you want it? After I finish it, I mean."

 

Tony swallowed. "Yeah," he managed. "Sure, Cap. Sign it too so I could brag to the press that Captain America sketched me," He added.

 

Steve chuckled. "Sure, Tony."

 

Tony hated how he liked the sound of his name on Steve's lips.

 

No, Tony definitely did _not_ just fall for Steve Rogers.

 

"Get a fucking grip," He told himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick disclaimer: I’ve never been to Norway, so the places might not be accurate. I know nothing about Norway, too (other than the fact that it's a beautiful country). I'm not very good with descriptions, so here's the picture of the living room area I was trying to describe: https://a0.muscache.com/im/pictures/0e0640ce-6d19-48bf-ae4c-6eaf466bb317.jpg?aki_policy=x_large
> 
> I like to have a song whenever I write to make me feel the mood. For now, the song I'm going with is The Wisp Sings by Winter Aid (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOsJasWO_Jc). It doesn't have anything to do with the fic, it's just the song I play whenever I'm writing this fic. You can listen to it while you read, maybe it will help you feel the mood I'm going with more. The notes at the beginning of the chapter was the lyrics of this song, btw.
> 
> Thanks a lot for the kudos and comments in the prologue!! I'm so glad you guys liked the idea. :'D  
> Quick question, do you prefer long chapters (and less frequent updates) or short chapters (but more frequent updates)?


	3. Aurora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe somewhere, in another universe, I get to be with him."
> 
> trigger warning: panic attack

When the darkness faded and lights started to pour, Tony got up to check out the pantry. He wasn't satisfied when he found out that there weren't any instant noodles. He needed instant noodles; it was one of the simplest food and it required minimal effort. He drove to the town and bought a bunch of instant noodles that would probably last a week. He made one for himself and sat back at the couch.

 

FRIDAY wasn't installed here and he wasn't planning to install her. He didn't feel like talking; though having FRIDAY installed in the house would have made things easier. FRIDAY was installed on his phone, tablet, and laptop, though, and he brought the earpiece that was connected to her.

 

Feeling tired, he decided to lie down. On the couch. Which was probably stupid if not weird, because there were three bedrooms in the house.

 

The way he was always tired made him think of Afghanistan. Back then, he was always tired, too. Sure, it probably had something to do with the torture and the fucking car battery in his chest, but somehow it felt that way. He felt tired; as if he has been tortured, as if he has a car battery in his chest to keep him alive. Which he didn't.

 

Not anymore.

 

Tony thought of Yinsen.

 

_"So you're a man who has everything. And nothing."_

 

Damn right he was.

 

_"It's okay. It's okay. I want this. I want this."_

 

Fuck.

 

_"Don't waste it. Don't waste your life."_

 

_Fuck._

 

He did something worse than simply waste his life. He took other people's life with him.

 

Yinsen must've hated him.

 

Tony wished he'd die in Afghanistan. If that could spare him from all the pain he was feeling and all the pain he was causing other people, he wished he had died with Yinsen in Afghanistan.

 

Tony spent the next two days doing nothing. He moved to the bedroom, but he barely got any sleep. He spent most of his time staring at the walls. Feeling fatigued but unable to rest.

 

Maybe this was his punishment.

 

Served him right.

* * *

 

After three days of eating only instant noodles, Tony decided to get a grip and cook.

 

He was a genius who builds flying suit with dozens of weapon that can turn aliens into ashes. Of _fucking_ course he can cook. He was damn good at it, too.

 

Since it’s been a while since he last cooked something, he decided to start simple and made himself some bacon and scrambled eggs. He enjoyed cooking, it calms him. Not in the way building something does, but it was close enough. Rhodey was the only person alive who knew Tony could cook, who had tasted his cooking. The other person was Jarvis. He never got to cook for Pepper because... well. There were always things that kept him occupied.

 

It was Jarvis who taught him how to cook. Just the simple ones, of course. Tony could still remember the first thing he'd ever cooked; it was a boiled egg. Which will probably make people roll their eyes, but it was an achievement for a _billionaire's son_. He enjoyed cooking.

 

Back in the days, he'd cook for himself and Rhodey at least once a week. Rhodey always appreciated his cooking, saying that he makes the most delicious food he had ever tasted--second to only his mom's cooking.

 

Tony told him that he was probably biased, his cooking was way better than Rhodey's mom's.

 

Rhodey whacked him and they laughed it off.

 

Sometimes, Tony wished the time he was in MIT could last forever.

 

Things were so much easier back then.

 

It was Monday. Tony hasn't been keeping up on what day it was, but that day he finally got the energy to care and charged his phone. It's been dead since his second day here and he just couldn't bother. Pepper said she could give him at least a whole week of undisturbed break anyway, so everything should be fine.

 

He's been there for six days.

 

Tony asked FRIDAY to check his email and felt instantly relieved when he found out that there wasn't any professional email from Pepper, but she'd emailed him three times asking about how he was doing. She told him that she'd find him wherever he was if she didn't hear from him soon. Tony chuckled and typed his reply, reassuring her that he was alright and that he was enjoying his break.

 

The day felt a little colder than the other days somehow.

 

After eating breakfast, Tony decided that he wanted to go out and have a walk, because he was in Norway, damn it. He had always thought that it was one of the most beautiful countries in the world. He has been there several times, but never for leisure. It was always a business trip.

 

His whole life was a business trip.

 

He put on a few layers of clothing, perhaps a few layers too many. He even put on gloves, wool socks, and winter boots. Last, he put on a warm hat with fleece lining on it. He probably looked a little bit ridiculous.

 

He didn't care. He didn't like the cold.

 

Not since Siberia.

 

Despite feeling like staying inside where it's a lot warmer, Tony forced himself to go outside. He locked the door behind him and took a deep breath. The air felt nice. He didn't know what he wanted to do or where he wanted to go, so he looked around and decided to take a stroll around the neighborhood.

 

He liked how the houses were quite far from each other, at least in the neighborhood he was staying at. Ignoring the feeling of dread in his chest, Tony walked towards the nearest house, wanting to take a look.

 

 _'Get a grip,'_ he thought. _'You're fine'_

 

He stopped walking because somehow it was getting harder for him to breathe, it was as if there wasn't enough oxygen around him. He was gasping and he felt himself shaking; his eyes couldn't seem to focus.

 

All he could think of was the cold. He was back in Siberia, in that cold place, with Steve and Bucky.

 

With Steve and Bucky _fighting against him_.

 

 _'Breathe,'_ someone said. Was he imagining things? _'Breathe with me,'_ they repeated.

 

When Tony was able to calm down and focus, when his mind was capable of processing his surrounding, he realized that he wasn't outside anymore.

 

Instead, he was sitting on a couch, with a warm blanket around him. Tony blinked in confusion.

 

"Are you still cold?" Someone asked.

 

He turned to see an old woman, well, not that old. But definitely older than him. 10 to 15 years, if he had to guess. He felt embarrassed because this woman definitely saw him having a panic attack and even helped him.

 

"Who are you?" He asked instead, hating how weak he sounded.

 

The woman was making a drink, and god, it smelled good.

 

"My name is Aurora," she said. "You were having a panic attack, and you kept saying 'it's cold', so I brought you inside to warm you up," She smiled and walked towards him, mug in her hand. She handed it to him. "Hot chocolate. Taste best on a cold day like this."

 

Tony hesitated, but she had made him hot chocolate, no one's ever made him hot chocolate; no one after Jarvis died. It was his favorite drink when he was young.

 

"Thank you," he mumbled as he took the mug. The woman nodded and started tidying up. Tony started sipping the drink.

 

Fuck, it was good.

 

He looked around then. The house was comfortable. He remembered seeing it from the outside, it was a little bit smaller than the one he was staying at, but it wasn't small by any means. The decoration around the living room was quite... random. It was as if the lady--Aurora just got anything she liked instead of going with a theme. There was a lot of painting, most of them were paintings of the sky.

 

 _'Beautiful,'_ he thought. Maybe he should buy some paintings to spice up his lab or his bedroom.

 

Pepper used to decorate every room. But after they split, she took most of the decoration with her and he took the rest down and stored them in cardboard boxes. None of the Avengers cared enough to decorate—as far as he knew—so the tower was... well. It's not like a living quarter compared to Aurora's house.

 

Tony turned to look at her. She was humming as she tidied up some scattered papers on her dining table.

 

"You know me," Tony accused.

 

She stopped to look at him and raised her eyebrows. "I don't," she said. "But I know your name," she added.

 

"How much do you want?" Tony asked.

 

"I'm sorry, _what_?"

 

"People can't know that I'm here. And they definitely can't know that I just had a panic attack in front of... someone."

 

Her eyes widened. "You can keep your money because I'm not going to tell anyone about anything," she said, looking offended.

 

Tony blinked. "What?"

 

"You heard what I said," she said.

 

"But... why?" Tony asked.

 

"I don't require money to act like a decent human being," she frowned. "I don't know what kind of people that made you think that decency cost money, but I can assure you that I'm not that kind of person."

 

That made Tony think. "Okay," he said after a few seconds. "Thank you... Mrs?" Tony trailed off, realizing that she didn't give him her last name.

 

"You can call me Aurora," she said, the smile was back on her face.

 

"Aurora. Thank you," Tony said.

 

"You're welcome," she said. She then went and sat across him, on the other couch. "So, how do you like Norway so far, Mr. Stark?"

 

"Please, call me Tony," Tony said. "Mr. Stark was my father."

 

Aurora nodded. "Tony, then."

  

"I like it here," Tony said. "It's... different. It's peaceful."

 

"I agree, it is peaceful here," she smiled. "What places have you visited?"

 

"Uh, actually," Tony started. "I haven't visited... any place."

 

"Really?" Aurora looked really surprised. "That's a shame. There are a lot of beautiful places here in Norway. Though, it is cold at this time of the year, I can relate to just wanting to stay inside."

 

"Yeah," Tony smiled. "If I were to visit some places though, do you have any recommendations?"

 

"Of course!" Aurora said. "There are so many places. First, you can try visiting..."

* * *

 

Tony ended up spending a few hours in Aurora's house. He even ate dinner with her, he helped her with the cooking. Aurora was... different. Tony liked her. Unlike most people, she didn't assume.

 

Tony wasn't stupid, his name was well known before he was Iron Man, it became more well known when he told the world he was Iron Man, and it was even more known after Avengers. People from all over the world knew about them.

 

Tony didn't have a very good image, that much was clear.

 

So when they meet him, most people will either look at him in awe or in hatred. There was nothing in between.

 

Aurora was a change. She didn't assume. She said she only knew his name, which was the truth. All everyone really knew about him was his name, the rest was just facade. There were only two people alive that really knew him, and they were Pepper and Rhodey.

 

Maybe it was because she didn't assume. Maybe it was because she acted like she never heard—or she did hear what the media said about him, but decided to not trust them—what the media said about him. Maybe it was because she looked at him as if he was just... a person she didn't know. There was no hatred, there was no awe, there was no _expectation_.

 

Tony found himself being genuine when he spent time with her. She'd talk about her country, she'd talk about the places she had visited. She'd talk about her dog, who recently died, about his antiques. She'd talk about her interest in time travel, about how she believed that there are parallel universes. She'd talk about the sky and the sea.

 

And in return, Tony talked about Rhodey. He talked about his time at MIT. He talked about DUM-E, Butterfingers and U. He talked about Jarvis. He talked about coffee. He explained about the theories about time travel and parallel universe. He talked about all the trivial things, anything that wasn't related to being a billionaire and being Iron Man, and she listened with interest.

 

Tony found himself visiting her almost every single day. Sometimes he'd stay for hours, sometimes he just dropped by to say hi.

 

He realized that he'd made a new friend.

 

It's been a long time since Tony made a new time. He'd never made any genuine new friend. Not since Rhodey.

 

Pepper was different, she was his girlfriend.

 

And as much as he loved Pepper and thought that she was still the best thing that has ever happened to him, she had never sat down and listened to him talking about coffee for two hours straight, her eyes sparkling with interest.

 

Perhaps it was because Aurora herself was a little bit lonely, so she welcomed any kind of company. She was always alone and Tony noticed that there were no photos of a... significant other. There were photos of her family, Aurora with her late mom and dad-- she was an only child, just like Tony, and then there were photos of her and her friends, too.

 

Tony didn't question.

 

It was one of the reasons why he enjoyed spending his time with the lady, she never questioned him and she never questioned her. Never but about the trivial things, anyway.

 

Tony didn't tell her that she made him felt like he had a kind, older sister.

* * *

 

Another week passed. Tony still had difficulties sleeping and he still felt tired most of the time, but it wasn't as bad as it used to be. He was always able to relax when he was hanging out with Aurora, and he'd even feel relaxed for the rest of the day when he was lucky.

 

That's the word, luck.

 

Tony must've had one of the worst luck in the world because one morning he found Steve Rogers in front of his house. Well, not really his house, but still.

 

He regretted opening the door the second he saw his face. He thought it was Benji, the man who has been taking care of his pantry. Benji does the shopping every single week, and he'd stop by every Monday morning to put everything inside the pantry.

 

"Tony," Steve breathed.

 

Tony just stared at him, not saying anything. He didn't have the energy to put on a facade.

 

"Rogers," he said, voice tired. "What do you want?" He asked, not even asking him to come in.

 

"I... I'm here to get you," he said. "Come home, Tony," he added. Tony opened his mouth to say something, but the man didn't let him. "Look, I'm sorry about what happened. I'm sorry about everything, I wish it could've been different. I'm sorry, Tony, I can apologize a billion times but I can't change the past, I know," he said. "So please, tell me what to do. What can I do now to fix this?"

 

Tony froze. He didn't expect him to say... that.

 

"Listen, Rogers," he said, ignoring how Steve's face twisted when he called him that. Perhaps he preferred Capsicle, after all. "I appreciate the apology, but as I said, it's in the past. I forgave you and Barnes, and I apologized to you, too. We've put this behind us," he said. "This is not about that," he added. "I just needed... _need_ a break."

 

Steve blinked. "Oh," he said. "Okay," he added. "So... you're not coming?"

 

"Not if the world isn't ending and thus is not in _desperate need_ for Iron Man," Tony said.

 

That made Steve smile. "Can I stay with you, then?" He asked hopefully.

 

Tony froze. "What?"

 

"Can I stay with you here?" Steve repeated. "I... could use a break, too."

 

Tony hated to admit it, but he was panicking. This is definitely unexpected. Why would he want to stay here with him, anyway? Can't he at least feel how awkward it was whenever they were in the same room? Can't he feel how much he wanted to inch away from him because whenever he looked at him all he could think about was Siberia?

 

Oh, that's right. Steve's super soldier serum didn't come with mind-fucking abilities. That was Wanda.

 

Tony 's mind was supplying him with a hundred ways to say _no, of course you can't stay here with me_ , but of course he ignored it. "Yeah, sure," he said instead. "You can do whatever you want," he added. Steve looked hurt, and then he looked like he wanted to say something.

 

"There are two bedrooms upstairs," Tony said. "You can use whichever you want. There is food in the pantry, feel free to eat whatever you want," He continued. "Benji--he's the man who takes care of the pantry--will come in an hour or two to restock. Tell him to shop for two from now on," Tony said. "I'm going... out."

 

And then without waiting for a reply, without even getting his jacket, Tony rushed outside.

 

He found himself knocking on Aurora's door.

 

She opened the door after a few seconds. "Tony! You're early. Do you want to have breakfast--"

 

"He's here," Tony said. "He's here and--fuck. I don't know what to do. What should I do? I--"

 

"Come inside," Aurora pulled him inside gently and closed the door behind him. She spoke again when they were both comfortably seated on the coach. "Who's here, Tony?"

 

"Steve," Tony said. "Steve's here."

 

And Tony talked. About Siberia. About Bucky. About how he found out his parents were killed, that it wasn't an accident. About what Steve said.

 

"Oh, Tony," Aurora said as she pulled him into a hug. It was warm, Tony liked--loved it. He might or might not have hugged her back a little too tightly.

 

"He's... _they_ are my soulmate," Tony said. Aurora froze. He wasn't sure what he was thinking. He didn't even tell Rhodey. But he was just... tired. It was too tiring, carrying the secret alone. He needed to tell someone.

 

That way he'd know that it was real.

 

She pulled away. "Do they...?"

 

Tony shook his head and pulled his sleeve back, showing her his compass. "It's... better if they don't know," he said. "I can't take the rejection," he added, voice barely a whisper.

 

Aurora didn't say anything. Instead, she pulled her own sleeve and show him her compass. It was moving slightly.

 

"My soulmate," she started. "He's from this town, too, but he moved to Sweden," she said. "I met him when I was 20."

 

Tony didn’t want to question her, but he couldn’t stop himself. "What happened?"

 

Aurora smiled sadly. "He's gay," she said. "No interest in women. When I met him, he wasn't in any relationship. It’s just that I have the wrong gender."

 

Tony felt like crying. "I'm sorry," he said.

 

"Don't be," she said. "I've... accepted it," She said. "We got to know each other, and he was perfect. He was everything I've ever wanted in a person, so like a fool, I fell in love with him," She said as she stared at the painting of the sunset across the room. It was her favorite, she told him that the first day he knew her. "He got married 15 years ago," She added. "But I'm glad; at least one of us is happy, you know?" She turned at him and smiled. "And if I had a choice, I'd choose him to be the one who gets to be happy, too."

 

 _Fuck_.

 

"Why?" Tony asked. "It's ridiculous, why are we given the mark to find our soulmates when in the end, we don't end up with them? When not everyone gets to be with their soulmate?"

 

"I don't know, Tony," she said. "Maybe the universe is playing a joke, who knows," she added. "I guess that's why I love the idea of parallel universes."

 

_"Maybe somewhere, in another universe, I get to be with him."_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the slow updates. I wanted to post earlier but there are so many things! I'm unsure about! in this chapter.  
> The main thing was the panic attack, I have never experienced one so I don't know how it feels like. I'm afraid I wasn't able to do a good job describing it, so I'm sorry about that.  
> All in all, I hope this chapter was alright.  
> If there are inaccuracies, I'm sorry. Feel free to point them out and I'll try to fix them.  
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated! <3
> 
> If it isn't obvious yet, this story is not BETA-read. :"D ifanyonewantstobetathisformethatdbegreatthoadasgdkasbdas


	4. Fix Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"News flash Rogers," Tony spat. "I am a jerk!"_

Tony spent the rest of the day with Aurora. In all honesty, Tony knew he didn't deserve a friend like her. She comforted him, and when he was done pitying himself, she let him choose a movie and watched it with him. They ended up watching three movies, all of which was picked by Tony. Tony wasn't sure what kind of movie she enjoys, but she looked like she didn't mind what he chose. After they were done with the movie, she put on some relaxing music and talked to him about her latest book. Aurora was a writer, she worked from home. Tony couldn't relate to the things she was telling him about because he definitely wasn't a writer, but he enjoyed listening to her talk, so it made him feel better. He also found out that she was only 5 years older than him. He felt a little bit bad for overestimating her age.

 

He went back right after he ate dinner. Aurora gave him one last hug before he went back, she even lent him her jacket. Tony took a deep breath before he went inside. He can do this.

 

"Tony," Steve stood up. He was sitting at the dining table. "I made dinner," he gestured towards the table. "We can eat together. If you'd like to," He said, voice hopeful.

 

"I already ate," Tony said. Steve's face fell.

 

"Oh," he said weakly. "Sorry, I just assumed..."

 

"I appreciate the gesture," Tony said. "Thank you," He said.

 

He hated how he made his face fell. He hated how Steve was genuinely trying. He hated how he _cared_ about how Steve felt.

 

Without saying anything, Tony went into his bedroom, locking the door behind him.

He knew it was illogical. This was Captain America he was worried about. Not only that a locked door will do nothing against him, he was also not the villain. But then, every time he saw him all he could think of was Siberia, so Tony went to bed without unlocking the door.

 

Just in case.

* * *

 

Tony barely slept that night and it has nothing to do with the person who was sleeping upstairs. It had nothing to do with him.

 

Tony sighed. It had  _everything_ to do with him.

 

Between calming himself because _no, Steve Rogers wasn't going to kill him in his sleep,_ and thinking about how he was supposed to behave towards him when morning comes, sleep didn't come easily.

 

Around 4, Tony decided to give up. He got up and took a shower. Thankfully, every bedroom has its own shower. When he was done, he put on one of his sweaters and went to the kitchen. Tony stood for a few seconds to listen. The house was silent. It seemed like 4 am was too early even for a super soldier.

 

He decided to call Rhodey, he should still be awake. Frankly, Tony didn't care because he ratted him out.

 

"Hey, Tones," Rhodey answered on the second ring.

 

"You told him," Tony said.

 

He heard Rhodey sigh. "I did."

 

"Why?"

 

"Because you guys need to work it out," Rhodey said. "I know it's bugging you, and with them back at the tower, it can't be easy. Maybe talking to him face-to-face, only the two of you, would help fix the matter."

 

"I can talk to him face-to-face in the tower. _After_ I'm back from Norway."

 

"No you can't. You'll just hide in your lab."

 

"Have you been talking to FRIDAY?"

 

"Tony," Rhodey said. "Please, just try. Things will work out."

 

Tony felt his hand itching, he wanted to shout, he wanted to be mad at Rhodey for telling Steve where he was, but he couldn't. Rhodey didn't know. He hasn't told him. He wouldn't have told Steve if he knew the whole story.

 

He was also the only thing Tony has left, so he wasn't about to do anything stupid that could cost him _Rhodey_.

 

"Tony?"

 

"I gotta go," Tony said tiredly.

 

"Tony," Rhodey sounded guilty now. "Look man, I'm sorry. I should've--"

 

"It's fine, Rhodes," Tony said. "I'm not mad at you. Just—I need to go. You take care, okay?"

 

Rhodey was silent for a few second and Tony knew he wanted to talk more, but he gave in. "Okay, you take care too, alright?"

 

"Yeah," Tony said. He ended the phone call and just stood there, in the darkness.

 

When— _if_ one day he decided to tell Rhodey, how would he react? Would he be annoyed at him for not telling him earlier? No, Rhodey understands him. He knew soulmate is a sour subject for him. He’d probably be a little bit disappointed, but he would be fine with it. He would feel guilty for shoving Steve to him, too, because if there was anything Rhodey knew about Tony, it was the fact that even though being alone was not good for Tony, there are times when he really _needs_ to be alone. This was one of those times.

 

He remembered what happened yesterday and his chest instantly felt heavier when he thought about the dinner Steve made.

 

Annoyed at himself for feeling guilty about Steve making dinner and him not eating it last night, Tony decided to make breakfast. It will ease his guilt, at the very least. After thinking for a few minutes, he decided to make pancakes. Knowing Steve's huge appetite, he ended up making a lot of them.

 

Without grabbing any for himself, he put on his jacket and hat and went to Aurora's house.

 

* * *

 

He went back late at night. Aurora helped him get his mind off Steve all day, which he was thankful for. He hated this. He just started to feel safe, to feel comfortable here, but it was taken from him. Again.

 

Steve was awake when he got home even though it was 1 in the morning. Tony didn't have to be a genius to know that he was waiting for him. Back when everything was alright and they still got along, he used to make fun of Steve for going to sleep before 11 every night if there were no pressing matters (such as alien invasions) to attend. Steve would just roll his eyes and told him that sleeping early is healthy. Plus, he needed to wake up early for his morning runs.

 

Steve stood up from the couch the moment Tony opened the front door. "Tony," he said, "Thank you... for the pancakes."

 

"'S nothing," Tony said as he closed the door behind him. "Good night," He said before heading to his bedroom.

 

"Wait!" Steve said, which made him stop. "Can we talk?"

 

"About?"

 

"We need to talk, Tony," Steve sighed.

 

"We're talking right now."

 

"You know what I mean."

 

"No, I really don't. Do explain."

 

"You said we’re putting everything behind us," Steve said, frustration clear on his face. "Yet you act like this!'

 

"Like what?"

 

"I don't know, like--like a jerk!"

 

That hit a nerve. How could he call him a jerk when he made him pancakes?

 

"News flash Rogers," Tony spat. "I _am_ a jerk!"

 

And with that, he rushed to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

 

He hated this, too.

* * *

Again, Tony wasn't able to sleep at all that night. Ruffling his hair in frustration, he got up and sighed. He unlocked the door and peeked outside. The living room was dark, Steve must've turned off the lights before going upstairs.

 

Relieved, Tony went for the couch and plopped onto it. Grabbing a pillow to hug, he leaned back and closed his eyes. He let out a long, suffering sigh.

 

He stayed like that or a few minutes.

 

"Tony," a voice said and Tony jumped because fuck, he didn't hear anyone coming.

 

"Sorry," Steve was standing across the room. Was he there when Tony went out or did he came down silently in hopes of scaring the shit out of him? Tony didn't know. And frankly, he didn't care. "I'm sorry," Steve repeated.

 

"For what, scaring the hell out of me?" Tony asked.

 

"For everything," Steve said. "For that, too," he added.

 

Tony sighed. "Stop apologizing."

 

"I will when you forgive me."

 

"I already did, Rogers."

 

"No you haven't."

 

"I did!" Tony snapped, starting to feel annoyed.

 

"Then why are you acting like this?"

 

"I don't know whether you're aware of this or not, but forgiving and _forgetting_ are two different things," Tony said. "When I look at you all I can see is Siberia, how you _destroyed_ my reactor," he said. "So I'm sorry if my first instinct whenever I see you was to get as far away from you as I could, because even if I genuinely want to forget, my fucking body remembers," Tony said. "It's like a fucking reflex. Go ahead, Rogers, laugh at me for being pathetic."

 

Steve didn't say anything and Tony hated it. He hated everything.

 

"I'm so sorry, Tony."

 

"If you apologize one more time, I'm gonna punch you," Tony said.

 

"Maybe you should," Steve said seriously as if he was really considering it. "I deserve it."

 

"Fuck you," Tony said. Because fuck him, for making him sound like the bad guy even when he was apologizing to him.

 

"Tell me what to do, Tony," Steve said, sounding desperate. Tony was glad he didn't turn on the lights, because he was sure that his face was showing very uncool expressions at the moment. "Tell me what you want me to do to fix this."

 

 _Leave me._ "I'm the mechanic, Rogers," he said. _Love me._ "It's _my_ job to do the fixing," he said.

 

_Some things cannot be fixed._

 

"Tony," Steve said tiredly.

 

"I'm gonna sleep," Tony stood up, ignoring him altogether. "Good night," And for the second time that day, Tony ran away. To his bedroom.

 

What is he, a 15-year-old girl?

 

Pathetic.

_'Fuck soulmates,'_ Tony thought as he stared at the ceiling. He repeated the thought over and over again until the sun rose, hoping that maybe, maybe if he repeated it enough he'd start to really mean it.

 

That didn't happen, though.

 

He fell asleep for almost thirty minutes. He dreamed of himself in a dark room, hand bloodied and Steve's and Bucky's bodies a few meters of him; dead.

 

He woke up with a start, sweaty but relieved when he realized that it was just a nightmare.

 

Tony thought things would be even _more_ awkward afterward, but it wasn’t. It was almost as if they both have come to mutual understanding. Steve stopped apologizing all the time, though he still went out of the way to be nice to Tony. Tony was... well. He wasn't being a jerk, per se, but he still tried his best to spend as little time with Steve as possible. It was annoying how much he cared whenever he saw Steve's sad face after he got back from Aurora's place.

 

Tony definitely _did not_ try to spend a little more time at home after that.

 

One morning, he just finished eating breakfast with Aurora and he somehow remembered the first time he met her.

 

"I'm going to travel," he said, standing up abruptly.

 

Aurora, who was washing the dishes, stopped and looked up to him. "You are?"

 

"I am," Tony said.

 

She gave him a calculating look. "Okay," she said.

 

"Okay?" Tony asked. "That's it?"

 

"What do you want me to say, Tony?" She asked. "Norway is a beautiful country, you're missing out if you spend all your time inside."

 

Tony smiled. "Yeah. I'm definitely missing out."

 

"You're taking him with you, right?" Aurora asked.

 

"What?"

 

"Steve."

 

"Why would I take _him_ with me?" Tony asked as if it was the dumbest thing he had ever heard.

 

Aurora stopped what she was doing altogether, took off her gloves, and sat beside him. "Anthony," she started. "You can't run away from him. Not forever," She said.

 

"I can," Tony interjected.

 

"Well, you _can_ , I suppose," Aurora admitted. "But is that really what you want?" She asked. "Do you want to live the rest of your life running away?"

 

Tony loved his new friend but sometimes he hated how she was always able to make him think. Or _rethink_ things, because Tony was always thinking.

 

"It gets easier the more you spend time with him," she added, snapping Tony out of his trance. "You'll spend your time feeling guilty for leaving him behind, anyway."

 

"I hate you."

 

She smiled. "I love you too."

 

Tony sighed. He knew he lost already. "I don't know why," he started. "But it's hard. Being with him. Seeing him. Knowing that he's here," he said. "I don't—I don't understand why. I forgave him and Barnes, I really did but..." he trailed off. "But it still hurts."

 

"Tony," Aurora said sadly. "I think it's yourself you haven't really forgiven yet."

* * *

Tony went back before dinner that day even though it was the last thing he wanted to do. He had decided--Aurora had managed to persuade him to take Steve along, so he had to talk to the man. Aurora hugged him before he left. She also gave him a wide, warm smile; as if she was proud of him.

 

Steve's eyes were definitely sparkling when he entered the house.

 

"Tony!" He exclaimed. "You're back," he said, sounding somehow breathless. "Uh, I made dinner. Have you... have you eaten yet?"

 

Just... fuck whoever created him to be this... soft.

 

"I haven't," He said.

 

Steve's face lit up. You'd think he just won a lottery.

 

"Then let's eat together, yeah?" He asked hopefully.

 

Tony took a deep breath. "Sure," He said.

 

They ate in silence.

 

Well, not really. Steve tried his best to start a conversation, he talked about the weather (lame), he talked about his morning runs—because yes, it seemed like Captain America can't live without doing morning runs, even if he was in Norway where it's so fucking cold it took Tony his everything to take a shower even when they have water heater. Tony wanted to run and lock himself in his bedroom more than anything else.

 

But he didn't. He listened to Steve instead. After Steve ran out of (lame) things to talk about, they ate in silence. Steve would glance at him every few seconds, though, which made him want to not be there even _more_. Tony wasn’t even sure what he was eating, he didn’t care.

 

"So, I've been thinking," Tony began. Steve's head snapped back up to look at him—he has been staring at his potatoes for the past five minutes—face startled. "We're in Norway."

 

Steve's expression turned into confusion. "We are."

 

"It's like, one of the most beautiful countries in the world," Tony said. "At least in my opinion," he added. Steve didn't say anything, but he raised his eyebrows, urging him to continue. "So I was thinking, uh, maybe we should travel." He said.

 

Steve froze.

 

"I mean, I have _decided_ that I want to travel around—around Norway," Tony said. "And if you'd like to, you can come with me," Steve was still as stone, he wasn't even blinking. "You don't have to," Tony added. "Only if you _want_ to. I'm just offering."

 

Steve finally blinked. "Of course!" He said, a little too loudly. His face flushed, and he cleared his throat. "I mean I'd lo—like to, of course," he said. "Sounds wonderful, Tony," He said.

 

"Right," Tony said. "I'll ask FRIDAY to arrange everything and if things go well, we can go tomorrow. Or maybe the day after tomorrow," he said. "Is that fine with you?"

 

"Yes," Steve answered quickly. "Anytime's fine with me, Tony."

 

"..Okay."

 

Steve smiled at him, a warm smile that reminded him of Aurora, the kind of smile he hasn't seen since the Sokovia Accord was introduced. "Thanks, Tony," He said softly.

 

Tony was good at lying. He was rarely caught because he was _that_ good, even sometimes Pepper failed to catch him lying. Rhodey usually knew, but he was barely there and it was a lot easier to lie during a phone call.

 

However, no matter how good he was at lying, there was one person he could never lie to.

 

It was himself.

 

So Tony knew, he could lie and deny things, he could hide behind swear words and his playboy-billionaire facade and people around him will buy it, but there was no amount of lying or deceiving that can change the truth. And the truth was staring at him, smiling mockingly as it looked at him right in the eyes.

 

He was, after all that has happened, still foolishly in love with Steve Rogers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update! Thanks a lot for the support on the last chapter, it means a lot. :D  
> Just to confirm, Aurora is not a potential partner for Tony. They're just really good friends (and will remain that way throughout the series).  
> For now I'm planning to update every Tuesday. Hopefully I can stick with that lol.  
> As always, kudos and comments are appreciated (a lot)! <3


	5. Wishes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Have you ever seen a shooting star?"_

Tony wasn't sure what he was thinking. Actually, no, he knew what he was thinking, but it all backfired thanks to Aurora's persuasion. He thought about traveling as a way of avoiding Steve, but he ended up traveling _with_ Steve. Was he really a genius? He felt more like a fool.

 

But you know what? It's fine, everything's fine. If things ended up getting worse... well, it's not like things were alright between them so he had nothing to lose. And if Steve ended up finishing what he wasn't able to finish in Siberia... point to Tony. He was tired of living, anyway, so he'll win either way.

 

Tony rented a motorhome because Aurora thought it would be more fun to drive through the country, they would be able to enjoy the scenery as they drive as opposed to using the planes. Tony's never tried living in a motorhome, so even though the thought of spending a lot—all of his time with Steve in a motorhome made his stomach churn, he agreed to try it out. He could always switch to planes if things went south, anyway. He also rented a tent, hiking equipment... basically everything Aurora recommended. He had a feeling that he won't be using anything other than the motorhome itself but it didn't matter.

 

The bus and equipment were delivered in the afternoon, so they decided to embark on the day after.

 

"Don't overthink, Tony," Aurora told him when he visited her that night. "Remember to enjoy the scenery."

 

Steve was excited, that much was clear, though he kept glancing anxiously at Tony whenever he thought he wasn't looking. That night, Tony got three hours of sleep which was more than he's been getting the past few days, so he felt oddly refreshed in the morning. They boarded the motorhome silently—Tony had decided to call it George. He took the driver's seat and started the motorhome—George—and waited for Steve. The latter went in a few minutes afterward, bringing his carry-on luggage. He put it on the small couch that also served as their dining chairs, and sat on the passenger's seat, right beside Tony. After he was properly seated, Tony started driving.

 

"We're going to the town first," he said, looking straight ahead. "You-- _we_ need more warm clothes," He could see Steve looking at him from his peripheral vision.

 

"Okay," Steve said.

 

Tony drove them to the town. The ride was silent, he could only hear the sound of the engine and their own breathing.

 

The silence was kind of suffocating.

 

Tony almost let out a breath of relief when they arrived and he successfully parked George—he hasn't driven in a while because well, someone always drove him everywhere he went—so he was a little bit nervous about parking, but he didn't have any problem with it. When he was done parking, he reached into his pocket and took his wallet, grabbed a credit card mindlessly, and handed it to Steve.

 

Steve looked startled. "I--"

 

"This was my idea," Tony interrupted. "So _I'm_ funding it. You should buy warm clothes, like, a lot of them," he said as he stood up and went to his luggage and rummaged through it. He took out one of his hats and black scarf and handed them to Steve who accepted them in confusion. "Wear that to cover your face—as much as you can, anyway. We don't want the public to know we're here," Tony said. He saw Steve's eyes flickered with understanding.

 

"Okay," he said. "Thanks, Tony."

 

Tony nodded and Steve stood up and quietly put on the hat, scarf and another layer of clothing, and then he went outside.

 

Tony took a deep breath as he rubbed his chest, trying to calm himself down. After he calmed down, he put on his share of winter clothing and turned the car off; he had shopping to do. He got off the car and went into the first store he spotted when he entered the shopping center. Honesty, Tony never liked shopping, and he didn't really care—he always had someone shopping for him.

 

He asked the clerk that greeted him to show him the warmest clothing fitting for outdoor activities and she smiled and guided him to a section of the store. He told her to give him a little bit of everything and waited until she got everything. After that, he paid using his credit card and brought everything to the car.

 

When he was done putting his new clothes away, Tony went to the shopping center again and looked for a particular store; he had an idea. Steve had been trying really hard to get along with him, so Tony thought that he should at least try to return the favor and be nic _er_ to Steve. It took him around 10 minutes, but he sighed in relief when he finally spotted what he was looking for. He went inside, bought the thing, and went back to their motorhome, deciding that he wanted to wait for Steve inside instead of looking around.

 

He was dozing off when Steve finally came back.

 

"Sorry," Steve said sheepishly. "I took too long, didn't I?"

 

"Nah, I just got back," Tony said as he stood up and looked at his watch. "You're right on time, actually, it's time for lunch. Any preferences?"

 

"Uh, no," Steve said as he watched Tony got back onto the driver's seat. "Anything's fine, really. "

 

Tony nodded and wordlessly, he handed a small shopping bag to Steve. "What's this?" Steve asked.

 

"It's your first time here," Tony said. "So I thought you might want that," He walked towards the driver seat, starting the car.

 

Steve opened the bag and tried to stifle a gasp. "This... this is for me?" he asked as he pulled the box out. It's a camera.

 

"Obviously," Tony said without turning around.

 

"Tony, this is..." Steve sounded speechless, which was a rare occasion because he always had something to say. "Thank you," he said softly.

 

"It's nothing," Tony brushed him off. There was a pause and Tony didn't have to turn around to know that Steve wanted to say something—probably more _thank yous_ , so he didn't let him. "Let's go, then."

 

"Do you want me to drive?" Steve asked hesitantly.

 

Tony paused and turned to him. "Do you have an international driver's license?"

 

"..No."

 

"Then it's settled that I'm the driver here," Tony said. "Buckle up."

* * *

 

They had their lunch at a deserted restaurant. Tony was glad that the waitresses didn't seem to recognize them. Tony barely ate but Steve ate a lot, as usual. He looked at him as if he was feeling guilty for eating more than him, which made Tony roll his eyes. After they were done eating, they both agreed that it would be easier for them to cook rather than being worried someone will recognize them and report them to the press every time they want to eat, so they went shopping for groceries.

 

They took their time eating and shopping, so by the time they were done it was almost 5 pm.

 

"Where are we going now?" Steve asked as Tony started the car.

 

"Our first stop," Tony said. "My friend said we definitely need to see this." He explained.

 

Steve hummed but didn't question further, instead focusing on reading the instructions for his new camera while he was charging it.

 

They drove for around ten minutes before reaching their destination; the Floibanen funicular station. Steve fiddled with the camera the whole way there as Tony tried his best to ignore him. When they arrived, Steve looked satisfied. It seemed like he had figured the camera out. After putting on their jackets and properly hiding as much as their face behind hats and scarves, Tony led Steve into the station and bought tickets for them.

 

“We’re taking the funicular to Mount Floyen. Hopefully, we’re in time for sunset,” Tony explained quickly.

 

Steve’s eyes sparkled with interest. When they boarded the funicular, Tony took a seat by the window. He was surprised when Steve wordlessly sat beside him because _um, there are a lot of other seats available around them_ —they were lucky because it wasn't crowded—but the thought of seeing those sad eyes was a little too much at that moment, so Tony let him even though it took his everything not to stand up and move away. As soon as he was seated, Steve fiddled with the camera and started taking pictures of his surrounding. Seeing that helped Tony relax a little.

 

"I've never been on a funicular before," Steve said absentmindedly.

 

Tony hummed. "Probably has something to do with you being too busy saving the whole world."

 

Steve snorted. "Yeah, probably has something to do with that."

 

They spent the rest of the trip in a comfortable silence—well, as comfortable as Tony could get anyway. Tony enjoyed the view that stretched outside the window while Steve was taking pictures of... everything, really. Tony wouldn't be surprised if he runs out of space soon.

 

Tony blinked as he realized that he wasn't freaking out even though Steve was seated beside him, arm pressing to him--not anymore.

 

 _'Huh,'_ Tony thought. _'I guess this isn't so bad.'_

 

When the funicular finally halted to a stop, Steve stood up eagerly. Tony raised his eyebrows but followed him wordlessly. Steve looked around in awe and then turned to Tony. "Come on," he said with a wide smile.

 

_Fuck._

 

He followed Steve to the end of the Balcony.The view was breathtaking.

 

Tony sneaked a glance at Steve, and what he saw wasn't disappointing. Steve was in awe, his mouth was slightly open and he wasn't blinking, the camera on his hand was totally forgotten.

 

Tony gulped.

 

"Beautiful," Steve breathed, startling Tony who hurriedly turned back to the scenery before them.

 

"Yeah," Tony agreed weakly. "Beautiful."

 

They were in fact, a little bit early, so they were able to see the sunset. Steve was ecstatic, Tony never saw him that happy, he never saw him that _relaxed_. And maybe, just maybe, for the first time Tony was able to forget that Steve Rogers was Captain America; he was able to forget what happened in Siberia, even just for a few minutes.

 

The sound of the camera shutter startled him, and Tony turned to see Steve flushing.

 

"Sorry," he said. "I just, um, I wanted to take a picture of everything, you know, just to-- so that I can remember as much as possible and..."

 

Tony rolled his eyes. "Relax, Cap," he said without thinking. Steve froze and Tony realized that for he'd called him _Cap_ for the first time since Siberia. He cleared his throat. "I'm used to people taking pictures of me. I don't mind."

 

"Oh," Steve croaked. "Of course."

 

Tony turned his attention back to the view in front of him. They stood there until the sun had completely set and the city lights greeted their eyes. It was just as beautiful as the sunset. It was cold, but Tony didn't really feel it somehow, instead he felt numb; as if there was an invisible wall between him and the world around him.

 

Tony flinched away when he felt someone's hand on his shoulder. He gulped when he saw Steve's hurt expression.

 

"Sorry," Tony managed. "Reflex."

 

"I won't hurt you, Tony," Steve said earnestly. "Never again. I swear on my life."

 

"Okay," Tony said, because what else could he say without making things worse? "It's getting late. We should probably go back."

 

"Yeah," Steve agreed quietly. "Okay."

* * *

 

After they got back to George, Steve insisted that he should be the one who makes dinner because Tony's been the one driving, so Tony shrugged and let him. The food was burned. Steve mumbled an apology but Tony ignored it and thanked him instead. He felt guilty for making Steve feel bad by flinching when he merely touched him, so he tried to ease the tension between them by asking if he could look at the pictures Steve took. Steve looked surprised by the request, but he handed his camera happily.

 

Tony looked at the photos—somehow Steve managed to take 89 photos in the span of few hours—and hummed. "The view was great," He said.

 

Steve perked up. "It was beautiful."

 

And that was that. Steve seemed to stop moping as they settled into a comfortable silence before Tony got up and said that they should probably get going to the motorhome parking site. When they arrived, Steve stood up and took care of the dishes silently. Tony made a mental note to take care of the dishes tomorrow as he went into their too-small bedroom to change. After he was done, he went out and went to the back of George, where their beds were located next to each other.

 

 _'Well, I'm royally fucked,'_ Tony thought as he laid down on his bed. Their beds were not touching, but there was barely any distance between them; enough only for a person to stand in. He was sure that he wasn't going to get any sleep.

 

A few minutes later Steve got out of the toilet—Tony hated how small the space was, he could hear clearly what Steve was doing and he was sure that Steve could do the same thing, _especially_ with that super soldier hearing of his. There was no room for privacy... and safety.

 

Steve slipped into his bed silently. For a while, both of them just laid there, not even a meter away from each other, and all they could hear was each others' breathing. At least the view was nice; Tony definitely didn't regret getting George because of the transparent ceiling above their beds which was enabling them to look at the night sky.

_'Please don't freak out, please don't freak out,'_ Tony pleaded silently.

 

"Have you ever seen a shooting star?" Steve asked, startling Tony. Thankfully, he didn't jump or anything.

 

"No."

 

"Me neither," Steve said wistfully. "What would you wish for? If you were to see one."

 

_You._

 

"I don't know. The best waffles in the world, maybe."

 

Tony didn't need to see Steve's face to know that he was smiling. He could practically hear it. "I'm serious."

 

"Who said I'm joking?"

 

Steve huffed. "You're ridiculous."

 

"What would _you_ wish for?" Tony asked, finally turning to Steve who was staring at him. The lights were off, but they could still see each others' faces. "No, no, don't answer. Let me guess. Barnes."

 

Steve sighed and turned back to the sky. "Not really," He said. Tony raised his eyebrows. "I mean, not just that."

 

"One wish at a time, Rogers, don't piss off the star."

 

Steve snorted. "I would wish to be with my soulmates. _Both_ of them."

 

It took Tony's everything to not... do something stupid. Like cry. Or worse, show his compass and declare that he was his other soulmate.

 

"You never met them?" He asked instead.

 

"I... yeah," Steve said. Rolling his sleeve to look at his compass. "But they must've been dead," he said. "I wish I had the chance to know them," he sighed. "They must've been lonely, neither Bucky nor I was there."

 

 _'There are worse thing to feel,_ ' Tony thought.

 

"What if you meet them, but they aren't what you expected?" He asked. Steve turned to him. "Like, what if they are not a good person? If they disappoint you?"

 

_What if you hate them?_

 

Steve shook his head. "It doesn't matter," he said. "It doesn't matter to me, because they're my soulmate before they were anything else," he said. "Just as I would never leave Bucky, I would never leave them."

 

Tony wanted to laugh.

 

Because Steve already did.

 

He left him in Siberia.

 

Tony got back alright, sure, but a part of him never left Siberia. A part of him was still there, left in the cold by his soulmates.

 

"How about you?" Steve asked. "I mean, if you don't mind me asking. You don't have to tell me anything."

 

"What, my soulmate?"

 

"Your soulmate."

 

"My soulmate left," Tony said. Steve's eyes widen. "Don't look at me like that," he added.

 

"I'm sorry, Tony," he said, sounding genuinely sad for him.

 

"Don't be," he said. "I'm not. It's better this way."

 

"..Why so?"

 

"I'm Iron Man," Tony said as if that was enough of an answer. "And just like a friend of mine once said, at least one of us is happy," He said. "If I had a choice, I'd choose them to be the one who gets to be happy, too."

 

" _Jesus_ , Tony."

 

"What?" Tony forced a smirk. "Surprised that I'm not the bastard you think I am?”

 

"I never thought that you're a bastard."

 

"Bullshit."

 

"Well, maybe at first. But Loki's scepter was there, so it didn't count."

 

"Sure it does."

 

"Why?"

 

"Because I said so. I'm the offended party here, so I get to make the rules."

 

Steve chuckled. "They're missing out, Tony," he said suddenly. "I hope they know that."

 

"I doubt they do," Tony said. "But I know they do. Because I know I'm _awesome_."

 

Steve chuckled and shook his head, returning his gaze to the night sky above them. They spent the rest of the night in silence. At some point, Tony thought he saw a shooting star. Steve didn't say anything, though, so it must've been his imagination.

 

But he made a wish anyway, just in case.

 

_I hope I will be happy someday, too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for the support on the previous chapter!  
> Here's an early update because I'm going to be busy during the week, I think I wouldn't be able to post an update on Tuesday so I figured that I should just post early. The next update will be on the 30th.  
> Just in case I didn't describe clearly enough, [here](https://www.mcrent.eu/indv/gfx/0&&19_det_comfst_i_hinten.jpg) is how their beds look like and [this](https://www.mcrent.eu/indv/gfx/0&&17_det_premlux_nacht.jpg) is pretty much how I imagined their motorhome is like.  
> I tried doing my research because I've never been to Norway and I've never been on a motorhome, but I know that there are probably mistakes and inaccuracies, sorry for that.  
> Let me know what you think about the chapter.  
> As always, kudos and comments are (deeply) appreciated!! <3


	6. Heart to Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It took all of the courage he could muster, but he turned to look at Steve._
> 
>  
> 
> _And stopped in his tracks._
> 
>  
> 
> _Because Steve fucking Rogers had tears in his eyes._

Most people didn't know Steve and Tony got along. After Tony fell back from the wormhole, he had gained Steve's respect. It took Steve a few days to learn not to take whatever Tony said at face-value and to understand that Tony always took everything seriously--at least after Afghanistan--even when it seemed like he wasn't. A few weeks later, Steve was used to him and would often snort or stare at him in amusement whenever he started blabbering, even during missions. When Steve found out about his bots, he started going to the lab because he found them fascinating. It didn't take long before he was comfortable enough to start hanging out with Tony there without the excuse of seeing his bots; instead, he started bringing a sketch pad and sketched while engaging in playful banter with Tony.

 

The point is, they got along. But that's not what most people saw, what they saw was them disagreeing a lot in the field during missions and that was true, they disagree a lot during missions but that's it, there was no bad blood between them. Quite the contrary, Tony respected Steve and he knew that Steve respected him; it was just they had different approaches to problems. Tony could be very reckless sometimes and Steve didn't like recklessness. However, there were times when you need to be reckless if you want to stay alive, when you want to keep people alive. Heck, it was safe to say that Tony himself wouldn't be alive if he hadn't been reckless. If there was anything he had learned, it was the fact that nothing was free. Everything has a cost. You wouldn't be able to gain anything if you are not willing to risk, to sacrifice anything.

 

Steve, being the great Captain America, Avengers' own moral compass, didn't like the sound of 'sacrifice' because of course they have to be able to save everyone and get away unscathed. He'd probably go up to the villain and ask them to join the Avengers in exchange of getting pardoned if Tony wasn't there. If everyone was like Steve Rogers, the prison would probably be so much emptier. He was too naive, too righteous, and he saw the world in black and white but the word was not black and white. Things were never that simple. Tony was annoyed at him at first, but somehow he started finding him endearing and... well.

 

As expected, Tony barely got any sleep. He'd drift off for a while and then he'd jump whenever he woke up and realized that Steve was lying not even a meter away from him.

 

Just for the record, Captain America snores. It was the noisy snore, not the soft kind of snores, which was something Tony wasn’t aware of because obviously, he had never slept in the same room with the man. He wanted to roll his eyes at himself because he even found that endearing. Jesus, he should get help. That’s the first thing he’s going to do when they get back, get help.

 

Tony gave up sleeping around 4 in the morning, instead just staring at the sky until it got lighter and Steve started stirring. He was awake by six, asking Tony whether it's fine for him to go for a 30-minute run. While he was running, Tony took a shower and made breakfast for both of them. While Steve was taking a shower and eating breakfast, he opened his tablet to check up on Pepper, satisfied when he found out that things were under control.

 

After Steve was done with breakfast, Tony started George and started driving to their next destination.

 

“I love this country," Steve said as he took another picture. They’ve been driving for around 30 minutes. "Everything's just so beautiful."

 

"Told you it's one of the most beautiful countries."

 

"Living in a place like this would be nice."

 

"Thinking about retirement already, old man?"

 

Steve turned to him and smiled. "That's actually not a bad thought. I think it would be beautiful, retiring and living here. It's a breath of fresh air compared to New York."

 

"Can't disagree with that."

 

"Is this your first time here?" Steve asked.

 

"Nah," Tony said. "Been here several times before, but it was always for business. This is my first time really seeing the country."

 

Steve nodded, and they settled into a comfortable silence.

 

Tony knew this, whatever it was, wouldn’t last. He’s a bomb waiting to explode, and with Steve, the urge to explode usually tripled. Because Steve could always make him feel things he thought he could never feel, in a disconcerting level. Sure, they haven’t been fighting after the last time, but that’s because Tony spent most of his time in Aurora’s house. He’s now stuck with him in a small space for the foreseeable future. Things will go South sooner or later, he could feel it in the air.

 

For now, they were alright, so Tony drove and occasionally responded to Steve whenever he talked to him.

 

“Where are we going?” Steve asked after a while.

 

“Lovatnet,” Tony said. “It’s—the scenery is pretty. Actually, that pretty much describes every single place we’re going to visit, just a pretty place after another.”

 

Steve smiled. “Sounds perfect.”

 

The drive to Lovatnet was a little more than five hours. Steve fell asleep for almost an hour and apologized sheepishly when he woke up. Tony rolled his eyes and told him that it’s fine, that he could sleep some more if he wanted. It was actually better for Tony because he felt more relaxed when Steve was asleep. He knew that it wouldn’t be that easy, that it would take time for him to feel completely safe with him, even though Steve literally promised not to hurt him ever again. He’s Steve, he’d keep his promise. Tony knew that, but it wasn’t that easy.

 

When they arrived, it was a little past noon. Tony booked two bedrooms; he thanked himself for that because that would give him some time and space to breathe. He told Steve to order room service for lunch and went to his room, which was just beside Steve’s.

 

Closing the door behind him, Tony strode towards the bed and plopped onto it. He took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. Not feeling hungry, Tony decided to skip lunch. He was never one for eating regularly, anyway; he could survive well enough with one meal per day. After a few minutes, Tony rolled and grabbed his phone.

 

“Tony,” Aurora picked up at the second ring. “Enjoying the trip?”

 

Tony huffed. “The scenery is beautiful and he hasn’t killed me yet, so yes, you can say that I’m enjoying it.”

 

"He's not going to kill you," Aurora said. "Because if he does, I will kill him."

 

Tony snorted. "Think you can kill Captain America?"

 

"Oh, I'll find a way, alright," Aurora said. "So things are really fine?"

 

"It's fine. Better than I expected. It's still hard to be around him, though, and I think he can feel that too."

 

"Give it time," she told him. "It's only been two days."

 

"It doesn't feel like two days."

 

"That's because you're not sleeping,” There wasn’t any question there, she knew he hadn’t been sleeping well and given the circumstances, she knew that it was even harder for him to fall asleep.

 

“You know what? You got a point.”

 

“Maybe you can try meditation?” Aurora suggested. “I heard exercising during the day helps, too. You can also try drinking something relaxing, like tea. I recommend—“

 

“I think I still love him, Rora,” Tony whispered, interrupting her.

 

There was a few seconds of silence. “I know,” she finally said.

 

That caught Tony off guard. “You do?”

 

“Of course,” she said. “Why else would you be hurting this much?”

 

 _Oh._ That makes sense.

 

“It’s wrong,” Tony said. “I shouldn’t—I shouldn’t feel this way. He loves Barnes, and only Barnes. He’ll never love me. He betrayed me and left me.” Tony argued, but he wasn’t sure who he was arguing against exactly.

 

"There is no right and wrong, Tony," Aurora said gently. "There's just love."

 

Tony didn’t know what to say to _that_ , so he stayed quiet. After a few minutes of silence—Aurora was probably waiting for him to say something, but he just couldn’t find the words—Aurora started talking about her day, bless her. She was definitely his silver lining in this whole situation.

 

They talked for a while, Tony wasn’t sure for how long, but it was probably hours because when Steve knocked on his door, he was wondering whether Tony wanted to walk around with him before dinner. Tony promised Aurora that he would call again, and then he went with Steve. They just walked past the pool when Steve started talking.

 

“Tony,” he began. “You never really... gave me the chance to apologize properly, and I’ve been too much of a coward to try harder, so please... just...” he trailed off. Tony stiffened, but he didn’t say anything; giving Steve the chance he wanted. He knew this was going to happen sooner or later. He hoped it would be later “I’m sorry. For everything, for not telling you about your parents. I was... not thinking straight. I was trying to protect Bucky... and myself, I guess,” he took a deep breath. “You’re my friend and I didn’t want to lose that. I should have told you no matter what. You have the right to know.” He said.

 

Tony let the words wash over him, surprised when he found out that it did make him feel better, no matter how little.

 

“And I shouldn’t have left you in Siberia like that. I should’ve—I could’ve brought you with me or something. I could’ve contacted anyone and tell them your position, but I didn’t. I wasn’t thinking, I was just... I was just worried about Bucky and I was...” he shook his head. “I wasn’t myself. I’m not as professional as I thought I was, and I was emotionally invested, which resulted in brash action. I’m sorry. I should’ve apologized more, too, I should’ve tried to fix things... earlier. I’m sorry, Tony.”

 

Tony stayed quiet and they walked in silence. There were so many things he wanted to say, but nothing felt right. “Thank you,” Tony said. He didn’t have to look at Steve to know that it surprised him. “For stopping me from hurting Barnes. I would’ve felt... bad if I ended up really hurting him,” Tony avoided using the word _killing_ because that made him feel sick. “And thank you... for trying.” It took all of the courage he could muster, but he turned to look at Steve.

 

And stopped in his tracks.

 

Because Steve fucking Rogers had tears in his eyes. _Had tears streaming down his face_. Tony wished there wasn’t any light so that he wouldn’t see that, but he did and he couldn't unsee it.

 

“Sorry,” Steve turned away and wiped his eyes and _fuck_. Tony didn’t need to hate himself more but he just did because he made Steve _cry_. That’s horrible. That was one of the most horrible things Tony’s ever done.

 

“Steve—I’m sorry,” Tony hated how panicked he sounded but he didn’t really care. He was panicking. Captain America wasn’t supposed to cry, and yet here he was. Crying. _Because of him._ Howard would've killed him.

 

“No, no,” Steve turned back to him, the tears were gone but his eyes were still wet. He swallowed. “I’m just glad. Thank you for listening, Tony,” he said. “And... and for forgiving me. It never felt like you really forgave me before this,” he added softly.

 

Tony didn’t know what to say because... fuck. He was a good talker, he wasn’t supposed to be speechless. Why was it getting more often, him being speechless?

 

“You’re my friend, Tony,” Steve said. “You’ve made living in this century bearable... a lot more bearable than I thought it would be. I’d hate to lose you,” The last bit was no more than a whisper, but Tony heard it. Loud and clear.

 

You know what? Fuck himself. He didn’t care about how he feels. Not anymore. He was never, ever going to see Steve cry again. Not if he can help it.

 

“Sorry I’ve been acting like a teenage girl,” he tried. “You’ll never lose me. I mean... you’ll always have me. As a friend. If you want me. As a friend,” Jesus Christ, he sounded stupid. He wanted to slap himself.

 

But Steve choked out a laugh, so he didn’t.

 

“Thank you,” Steve said. “I’m glad, Tony.”

 

After the whole emotional session, Tony felt a little bit lighter. Maybe it was because he figured out how to act in front of Steve from now on. Steve wanted a friend, so he was getting a friend, period. The only problem was him flinching in reflex sometimes, which couldn’t be helped but Tony hoped there would be less of that. He’d hate to hurt Steve. They walked back, ate dinner and went to their respective room.

 

And maybe, just maybe, Tony fell asleep a little bit easier that night.

* * *

 

Tony’s patience was running thin. Scratch that, he was out of patience.

 

“This is fucking ridiculous,” he said as he stopped paddling. “We look like idiots.”

 

Steve huffed a laugh, but he kept paddling. “Tony.”

 

“Don’t ‘Tony’ me,” Tony said, turning to him. “We look like idiots. I can already see the headlines, Earth’s Best Defenders Greatest Weakness—Kayaking,” He heard Steve laugh. “Don’t _laugh_ , it’s not funny! I have a reputation to protect. Don’t you care about your reputation?”

 

“Not really, no,” Steve said.

 

They were kayaking together. It was Tony’s idea, actually. Between that and hiking a 12-hour trail, _of course_ Tony chose kayaking. It should’ve been simple, they were on what essentially was a boat, and it should move forward as they paddle. It did move, but not _exactly_ forward. They can’t seem to move in a straight line no matter what, and it was annoying because the fastest way to go from a point to another is by going in a straight line.

 

“I’ve decided that I don’t like kayaking,” Tony said.

 

Steve snorted. “Everyone’s bad at something.”

 

“Bad at—let me tell you something, I’m perfect. I’m not bad at anything.”

 

That made Steve laugh again, and god, did Tony love hearing his laugh. It’s his favorite sound in the whole world—Shit.

 

Tony huffed but he picked up his paddle and started paddling again. They went around the lake. It was beautiful, surrounded by mountains and nature. Steve hadn’t stopped taking pictures since they arrived. The only reason he wasn’t taking pictures right now was that he was paddling. Once in a while, he’d ask Tony to stop so that he could take a picture of the scenery. Tony told him to leave his camera just in case they screw up real bad and somehow managed to end up in the water, but Steve gave him one look and declared that they are not going to end up in the water with his determined Captain America tone, so Tony rolled his eyes and let him bring the camera. He could just buy him a new one if anything goes wrong, anyway.

 

They went back to the harbor after almost two hours of kayaking. Tony was grumbling half-heartedly and Steve was chuckling. It was almost lunchtime, so they decided to order lunch. Steve suggested eating together and Tony didn’t have the heart to say no, so they went to Tony’s room and ordered room service.

 

Tony turned the TV on and they sat on the couch, waiting for the food to come. Steve was looking at the pictures.

 

“Look at this one,” he said as he showed the picture to Tony. “I think this is the prettiest shot I managed to take today.”

 

Tony hummed. “Looks good, Cap.”

 

Steve turned to him and grinned, and then he turned back to his camera. Tony was so damned because that was endearing as fuck. Thankfully, the room service was excellent and didn’t take long to arrive, saving Tony from his silent crisis. The food was not disappointing.

 

“Do you have any place you want to visit?” Tony asked Steve.

 

Steve swallowed the food before answering. “Uh, not really, no. I mean, I don’t know any place so...” he trailed off. “Why? You have no plans after this?”

 

“Of course I have plans,” Tony said. “I was just asking, just in case you want to visit something in particular. I can’t just keep forcing you to go with me.”

 

“You’re not forcing me,” Steve frowned. “I wanted to come with you.”

 

“Yeah, that’s not what—I mean, if there’s any place you want to visit, you should tell me and we can visit it.”

 

Steve blinked. “Okay. But I have none. Anything you pick would be great, Tony.”

 

“...Okay.” He had no idea how Steve can manage to sound so sincere all the time. It's definitely not good for his heart.

* * *

 

Tony was excited about their next stop. Aurora recommended it to him and he did a little bit of research of his own, it seemed like this would be exciting. He started up their motorhome.

 

“Good boy, George,” he mumbled.

 

“George?” Steve asked, looking amused.

 

“I’ve named him George.”

 

“Okay. _George_ ,” Steve said, smiling.

 

Tony rolled his eyes. “Ready?”

 

“Ready,” Steve said. “Where to?”

 

“Oh, just wait. You’ll like this one.”

 

Steve grinned at him. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know I promised to update on the 30th, so I'm late, sorry! I'm planning to update on weekends from now on, I'll _try_ to update every weekend but I'm not going to make promises because life's getting busier and I might not be able to do that... **But I'll try to update at least once a week, no matter what day.**  
>  I wanted to post this one on Saturday to start off, but I'm more than a week late and I thought you guys would like an update sooner than later, which is why I'm posting this today.  
> Hope you like the new chapter! Let me know what you think about it.  
> Also, I watched end game and gosh it fucked me hajksdhjkahfdjkad I mean. I loved it but I can't accept the ending. Makes me want to write my own ending lol :") what do you think about end game? If you haven't watched it yet, don't read the comments in this chapter, okay? XD  
> As always, kudos and comments are appreciated!! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Reach me on **[my tumblr.](https://sunshinehina.tumblr.com/)**


End file.
